A Is For Ayahuasca

Los Angeles can just be ridiculous and I mean that in the most loving way possible. I had to write a scene of “compelling conflict” for my TV writing class. I wrote some basic “lover’s quarrel” scenes and then I decided to play. I present to you, “LA Moms” in an episode called, “A Is For Ayahuasca.”

INT – MID-CENTURY MODERN HOUSE LIVING ROOM IN SILVER LAKE, LOS ANGELES

Two women sit on the floor with their infants. SKYLAR is a blonde, Westside trophy wife wearing Lululemon and her nine-month old son, PHILANTHROPY. BECKETT is a brunette hipster wearing a turmeric linen romper, mule slippers and a straw hat. Her daughter is GODDESS. They are in Beckett’s house.

BECKETT

I got us some green juices from Star Juice. I assumed you juice.

SKYLAR

Yes! I do! Thank you!

Beep! Sound of a text received. Beckett picks up her phone. It’s a text from her husband, PARKER.

BECKETT

Parker just texted me. Looks like they’re close to signing the deal.

Another sound of a text. Skylar picks up her phone. Text from BRIAN, her husband reads: Play nice. We’re almost there.

SKYLAR

Yep! Brian just texted me the same. I’m really glad we finally got to meet.

BECKETT (reluctantly)

Yeah.

Skylar picks up a set of the baby’s alphabet cards.

SKYLAR

“A is for Ayahuasca.” What’s that?

BECKETT

It’s a mind-expanding herb from The Amazon that takes you on a trip to see the keys to your future.

SKYLAR

It’s a drug?

BECKETT

In a very basic sense, yes.

SKYLAR

Do all of your ABC cards have names of drugs?

BECKETT

Only some. These cards are for developing the spiritually-minded child.

SKYLAR

Mine’s just “A is for Avocado.” Regular health stuff.

BECKETT

Is L for Lululemon?

SKYLAR

No…but I believe in healthy activity for Philanthropy.

BECKETT

Well, I want Goddess to embrace her spirituality and the power of the divine feminine as young as possible. She excels in Kundalini yoga.

SKYLAR

Philanthropy and I do Mommy and Me Vinyasa yoga. Maybe you guys can join us?

BECKETT

We don’t do vinyasa. Kundalini is the yoga of enlightenment. Besides, we don’t go to the Westside. It has no soul.

SKYLAR

The Westside is the best side. The Eastside tries way too hard to be cool and is absolutely filthy.

BECKETT

You also think those pants qualify as fashion.

SKYLAR

Athleisure is the hottest sector in fashion right now! These pants cost more than that stupid potato sack you’re wearing!

Sounds of texts coming in. Brian writes “Sharing juice recipes?” Skylar replies, “Not quite.” Brian: “It’s important to this deal that we get along. Family in important to Parker.”

PARKER writes: Keep it all kumbaya and organic baby food. Don’t be low-serotonin bitchy. This is an important relationship. Beckett replies, “Ugh, get off my back.” Parker replies, “Who’s my girl?”

Both women are seething at their husbands via their phones.

BECKETT

I hate it when Parker calls me a girl! I’m the full expression of the divine feminine and I do so much more than kumbaya and organic baby food! Researching organic products, the latest in baby safety, composting and keeping them fed is only a quarter of what I do.

SKYLAR

Amen. I mean, Brian asked if we were sharing juice recipes.

BECKETT

I hate it when men are dismissive. Who needs mansplaining, am I right?

SKYLAR

I know! I feel like I have two full time jobs. I do all the things you do. Not the composting. I so don’t do the composting. I can’t deal with flies. But God! It’s infuriating!

Goddess crawls over to the Skylar.

BECKETT

No sweetie, she didn’t mean you. Name hazard. Do you get that incredible butt from yoga?

SKYLAR

Mostly, but also Soul Cycle.

BECKETT

Ohhh, I’d kill for a Soul Cycle over here.

SKYLAR

You can join me any time you want. I mean, you guys have Star Juice. The dusts, am I right?

BECKETT

I know! I put them in my Seven Greens juice. It’s the only thing that gets me through business dinners with HIM.

SKYLAR

I just use Xanax.

BECKETT

I’m still breastfeeding. I can’t wait until Goddess is three to resume pharmaceuticals.

SKYLAR

Three? Years old? I’d have to get a boob job if I went that long!

BECKETT

It’s in Goddess’ best interest. Especially because it means I can’t get pregnant again for a while. Sorry Parker!

SKYLAR

Maybe I should see if there’s any milk still left in these teets!

They laugh.

BECKETT

I have to admit, I was dreading this. I just thought you were part of the blondetourage in an anonymous pack of BMW X3’s driving from Sweetgreens to Sweetgreens scoffing at the east side…

SKYLAR

Well that’s true. I thought you were going to smell of incense, wear a large straw hat and try to get me to chant Sanskrit mantras.

BECKETT

Also true. There’s so much pressure on this deal that I half wanted to hate you out of spite.

SKYLAR

Same!

Texts come in. The deal is done.

SKYLAR

I used to think of the eastside and the west side like the Yankees and the Red Sox, Israel and Palestine, the Jets and the Sharks, separated by monster traffic.

BECKETT

We’re more like two wellness tribes.

SKYLAR

Together we make a super GOOP package.

BECKETT

Good to meet you.

SKYLAR

Good to meet you too.

kerrylquinn

One Comment

  1. Hahahaha,Love this Kerry!!! Hilarious, i can totally picture these 2 women bantering back and forth, and there babys, with their ridiculous over the top behavior…☆☆☆☆☆

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